Month: March 2016

lost

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

who is..
where is…

what happened to your sex?
is it in the bathroom, the bathtub?
did you drop it into the toilet?
did it get sucked down the drain?

or is it still sleeping entangled in the bedsheets
while you left for work in the morning?
with socks lost to the laundry,
on the kitchen counter,
or in a bag in a drawer for safekeeping?

Did you ask someone to hold it for you,
and then they ran off?

Was it removed by a doctor,
as an anomaly?

When its taken from you
its hard to remember

Maybe mine is in the car with bad breaks
in the ruins of a New England mill
lying in the tall grass next to the river

Or gathering dust in the teacher’s closet
behind the dugout
caught in drag in a bridesmaid dress

You search frantic
sweating
pounding
wanting

for what you misplaced
fearing it is gone

And then you realize
he took it from you
he lost it when
he misplaced his own

bomb

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

i see the fear in your eyes
you know i could go off
at any fucking minute

my head is filled with the knowledge
of what you cannot admit to yourself

my body is filled with the damage
of what you cannot bear within yourself

hide away
lock the door
look through me
pretend I’m not here

you can’t just place your pain in me
then send me off
and wish me well

i used to believe you
i was unlovable
a wreck
a damage
everything vile

i saw myself in your eyes
i was danger
a bomb
a shame
everything evil

fuck you
i will speak
but never against you
and never against my own heart

autorumination

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

My phone is so cute
And I don’t know how to do

I’m not going to be able to see you

The fact that I can see you
The only thing that would make me happy

But it was not immediately available to be

I’m not sure what to say
The fact is that it would mean the world to see

Tell me what to say
Tell me how to get
Tell me that you can

Tell meh

Tell her
Tell him
Tell me

How to do it again
C. C … and I don’t know if you want me

Do you think
Do you know
Do you have

The only this is that is it not the only thing

I can be used for the next few years ago
when
I was just thinking about you
and your family and I love you so bad
I don’t think that it would be nice to see you
bb.bb. at all

I don’t think
I don’t know
I don’t have

My phone is so much better than this one
w/wv. v was injured in the morning

I’m not going to be the best thing about …

I’m not going to be able too
I’m not going to get my nails
I’m not going to get my phone
I’m not going anywhere else

You can get the best
You can get it together
You can get the same
You can get a new phone

Your phone is so good
at all the best ways to go back home

and you can be used for the
rest of the day
before I can be used for the
rest of the year

B&b. B, beforethat it would have
a lot to be/me
the same thing
as two

Two years
Two years ago
Two years later

Two years of my friends
Two years of my life
Two years of my favorite song

Two years of my favorite thing about being
able to see you

Soon
Soon after
Soon as I have a lot more than the original of my life

Until then
Until the end
B. Until the end of this

Until then I’m not going
to be able to see you

necessary

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

I didn’t know anyone could hear me
write a riddle
design a game
study, advance, retreat

I didn’t know I could speak
learn a language
you speak me

I’m digging it up
crack weeds at the root
be taboo, say it provocative

I’m tending to my wounds
open yours
break me apart at the seams

My guts are spilling out around you
its ok
i’m fine

give me violence, give me sex
Let me feel you

I’m silent and you’re listening
your tender fingers trace the surface of my walls
your cheek is pressing against my glass heart

I’m digging to loosen all the ground
my spade could split you in two
my sex would penetrate your heart

tend to me, hold me
please
Please

my first reader

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

your face is a familiar danger
twin
mirror of what I would not see
you frighten me (i frighten you)

you stoke a fire
in my gut
your hands
thaw my heart
your arms hold
my lifeless body

near you I feel alive for the first time
since I was killed as a child

with you I can walk into the darkness
slice through it with /
/ words, concepts, empathy, generosity
poetry as flashlight

I fumble around blindly next to you
(afraid to leave your side)

I see only my.your eyes
color
burn
energy

I feel your.my every movement
dream
touch
sound

too fast for input

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

notes morph &
fade

a thought is a poem is a memory is a frustration is a grocery is love is pain

speak to me
i need to hear you

I dreamtI could (re)solve it
running over it again to let it out of my mind
run it out of my body
dip my fingers into your brain

heart racing
anti-
cipation
in-
capacitation

my will or yours
will I live or die
and which of us decides?

spit it out!
but …
its too fast for input!

I want you
because …

meaning just moves away
(you always move away)

milk, honey
this is just to say
I didn’t know
how could you
salad
move the car

Run 4 miles
lift!
why were you so angry?

he jerked off beneath the stars
you were there too
i knew it

erase it

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

before someone sees

she’s erasing me
like a mistake
an ugly thing that shouldn’t have

no sooner do i disappear
and then she constructs a shrine
a memorial to my untimely death

remove every trace of hir
broom and dust pan
burn the poems for my pedophile
trash my phalic paintings

will you want to keep these love letters?
no.
you might wish you had
no.

sweep me up into the attic
away into the closet
where i hid from him
with my stuffed animals

stuffed animals into trash bags
they have bugs,
dirty

keep it under the bed
before it gets put into yard sales
and give aways

i cannot be erased
when i was never there to
begin with

you could find me in my writing
my drawings
hiding inside my father’s tattered clothes

craft a memory of what i could never be
you will sleep there sometimes
i never could

listen

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

Take me to a place to meditate on my pain
A place of desolation, where I can be my own alienation
Be harsh and I won’t break
Be hot and I won’t feel burned

Walk on the moon at the bottom of a dried up sea
Hot snow in an illusion of winter

Will you put your ear to the ground with me and count every footstep?
Can you still your mind amidst the chatter of the tourists who live there?

Three notes will sound out of an ocarina at an infinite distance
Take pictures at angles you cannot see
Type into the glare of the sun
Auto-correct your words into whatever

remember it

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

Children can love it shrieking,
recklessly racing up the dunes without the fear of falling
I fear children
they remind me of how her life was stolen, of her unheard cries of terror
Children make me sad
they remind me of how he never got to grow up doing the things boys do

Ignore the children
and the father’s laughter will spike a chill up the neck
a punch to the gut
the smiling family portrait will turn demonic
uncanny eyes

The sand is a pit and I’m sinking
He can soothe the anxiety of his control by making your sex
(it’s the way it’s always been)
Forget it
But I miss it