I described a fantasy of intimate victimization.
He let me grab the fight
shifting roles within a distance
We live in difference
wrecking each other completely
I tried to become a resource.
He told me he was a cynic
such a good one
We reflect on everyone’s face
taking solace in punishment
I wrap my hand around the room.
Love and watch his mouth,
flushed with shame,
We are gutting out the drones,
because I am coming
Loving him drink is twisted shit
But my past experiences of love could not focus on my sensitivity
It’s a pre-(existing) condition
A form of tongue-to-tongue combat in saliva so cruel
Suck my tongue onto his Adam’s apple,
because I am not facing the mix of intimacy and violence
His torso is taboo,
accompanied by how to cut him or feel up his balls
Affection is uneven
And humanity?
We both know this moment exposes the rawness of sex and my life
Even if I didn’t ever happen
Throw them
Lead them
The narrative arch of eroticized killing is inevitable,
it even happened.
I thought about meat.
I try to distinguish affection from hand combat as a means to sex.
See it
Refuse to end it
No empathy protects my body,
my organs spill out of intimate violence.
Leave my own senses…
was wrong
was intrigued
The bile spills onto me because I own death
Or because I am not to do anything at the kill
I am so still, clearly violence
And he finds it so cold being equal
Available protections:
Perhaps if I didn’t know how to hand,
how to submit,
how to believe there is,
then
Step in just enough now
so I can eject my agency
whenever he is in the room
thinking,
and gasping,
for me
An animal comes out of my chest
My come fills up with violation
My violation jets out the door
The door closes on everyone’s scared faces
Hard strokes down his throat
are so taboo now
whenever they choke themselves
dreaming
and reaching
for you
Now fill up the blade again
My blade will graze the surface of your skin
Your skin will generate my compliance
The compliance is transcendent arousal
Straddle your object of equity
not just in scale or distance
whenever you speak of killing
exiting,
and longing
for me
Wrap your size and sensitivity in a towel
Your towel smells like violence
Your violence jets out of your hands
The hands lunge at my throat
I just see if in me
not only in context and strategies
whenever I feel
numbness,
and dying
for you
Steam rises from my calves
am I hot or cooked?
burn in/out my core
Blood rises to my head
press out the borders
of my flesh
remind me I’m alive
still feeling numb
angry at machines
and their capital
Blood pounds in my ears
mask the sounds
of his.my shame
cover me in my own fluids
still feeling helpless
angry at landlords
and their egos
Water trails down my chest
am I sweat or tears?
drain me in/out
I hear I’m about to make a mistake
I realize to that mistake is
you me
hide <> erase <> problem
I’m the best at collapsing make room for your insatiable
I don’t need fuck
you myself
big dick <> little d’clit <> forever girl
Light flickers behind my eyelids
am I dark or light?
replay in/our danger
Shadow betrays my frame outside my brain
female male
show me you t-ts c-ck
whore monster
Fog coats the mirror
what is my name?
I am a constant temporary
state of amnesia
Elliot, Mike, Frank, David, Joe, Jack, J, J…
JJJJJJJ
is something
J…{}{}{}{}
Ja –~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jac//?!
Wake up!
Please
I need inside
you me
I can let people have used me
And more importantly, do(es) I think any love is a truer self?
Their fears and fucked up roles become the vibrations of me too
He wants intimacy,
what sweet sacred line between platonic affection and being held?
I want his split self in the bushes
/ nature
/ / / edge
making me his asset
How will you receive hir love and attention,
with that desire to control and so on?
I’m wrestling with the water
I don’t want to be completely available
I want to forget?
Does it matter?
He fuels confusion,
why do I feel like a trash tin?
I want to support his deepest desires
/ confused
/ / / worried
when he gets too neat
Why do I feel so humiliated,
because relationships (a) whither (b) blow up?
And so simple
/ cling
/ / suck
was it special
He told me he projected my true self onto me
More importantly, do(es) he feel controlled by affection, aspiration, desire in his legs?
I hold their better weaknesses instead of the hidden sides they cannot face
I hold my heart in the same places
His belt strikes the narrow space between my voice and disappearing
He assures me, serious, (not yet)
Smash them under
Get caught
Control yourself
You are shaking
Are they angry feelings?
I wonder how I say nothing
I press the air out of my chest till I mumble it’s ok, don’t worry
They pressure, finger, clarify in this space that it isn’t
Why do you look so badly
It’s so fucked up here
On any given day
You are hurt
Are they sad feelings?
I use the cool concrete to firm my resolve
Stoke the wet center of my anxiety
They push their upper body and say, voice disappearing
Can you trust yourself
Come in
I want to
You are hiding
Are they fear feelings?
You want to hurt me while I’m quiet
I know what I can muster is wrong in the spaces between what is/n’t
They tell me I’m ok with that (for the future)
I’m trying with you
I start you to keep pushing
Pooling brightness
You are softening
Are they joy feelings?
kick myself for me, brightly coming, releasing his eyes
sometimes I sit completely still
barely breathing while you start the next
Lately you’d been gone and you’d asked for a good boy. I can be asked for it.
“I think you should try harder”
I sit in your chair, refusing to pout, inserting lines between us. I decide I do.
You start in one moment not to miss me or feel better,
saying softly, as if you are me,
“We have you, whatever is left”
Your facade falls as you push your own needs, follow my hair down my face. I can be disciplined.
“Do you know what I’ve asked you for?”
You bark defensively.
You’ve been softer,
warmer with a bit in your gaze. You think I’m unruly.
I spit his domination and desire
My ears burn and pound
Wrap my body in a shield
Before he unzips his bulge
I don’t miss you
I don’t want you close
I don’t want you so warm while looking away
You get up behind me, make me walk in front of you, all hard inside
He opens his fear, standing, towering over, relentless, angry, jealous
“I…I… I t…tried my eyes, inserting them for your eyes that wander to make you look at…”
“What are you looking at?”
“No.. nothing…”
I stutter. I can obey him. He is terribly confusing, and I’d do what was never heard before. He keeps me to work on himself, but the sight of him turns me staring.
“What did you do?”
His mouth drops if I look at him. He pushed hard earlier when I hadn’t put the possibility on the table. He taught me how to be ashamed of admiration in the corners of my knees.
I want to be as you want to be, so provocative I almost lose focus
I’m not a door for you to break open
a pool for you emotionless eyes
He complies with his desire and immediately regrets it, jerking, red with shame.
“Do you need to tell me that what you did was wrong?”
You got all hard inside me and I let you
You have a way to make it about me
I am just playing along
to keep you from warning me
about looking up
I wish I had answered the voice of confusion
I wish I could be an easy friend
I wish I could feel better
I’m trying to tell you that when I obey him his eyes start to work
and it’s for my own good
only I can take it by drawing it out with his pen
Today you leaned into my arms
wrapped around your vocal chords
I thought of you more than anything
the lack of you wrapped around my head
Tomorrow I learn how to live in my mind’s eye
listen to the skin below
My arm jolts against you
lean back into me
Yesterday you sat beside me emotional
place acoustics on the fabric you chose
You are waking me, reckless
I’d take your head resting on me in the morning
Sometimes I feel like learning how to stay on the split
my back marked by hot heat
We are on two planes
mind and rumble of you in my mouth
Always as close as close as close as close as close as close as as close as close
Come into my body with fierceness in your hands
I can be yours
Make me merciless and I’ll catch you
I can be your boy
Descend a ladder into the sound of my voice
I can be open
Let go at the knees and I’ll want you
I can be open deeply
Follow me without your clothes
I can kiss the fall
You are willing to be alive and inside me
I can kiss the fall of your defenses
We are willing to feel wanted
I can wrap you in leather and hands
Reach for me, press up my boy
I can surround you in chains
You might think it’s not possible to fall
Make my mouth a possibility
Fleeting gestures of soon to be
Break my desire, be strong
Break off your eyes
The lives we’ve made so far
Protected from accord
Call me down your mouth and will
Never let me off my knees
Kiss me where I fall
Come to me at once
Break off possibility too
Be my body
Hold your throat open
Let go in the way you want me
Never let me take you wrong
I’ll stumble all over over you
Get on my throat
Open me wide
Linger behind you
Bring your ladder to my door
Be here right now
Come in your clothes
Be my boy
Let me wrap you
Bind you here in my mouth
Surround me with your want
I will you
transpoetics 