abuse

grasp

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

I can put it on
I can put it on for you
For you

Slip the hold
Grasp the cracks
I can’t
Control

I am so scared
to lose you
as your back turns away

I am so scared
to feel you
chest on my back

make/resorts
make/resists
make/restraits
make/restores

twist my desire like straw paper
rolled between your anxious fingers

wanting your abuse
the only way I know how to protect

watch me decay
to half life

But you said
You said
You were angry
What is that?
Danger?

But you said
You said
I’m here
Hold my trust

But you were angry
You were
You said
You said
Let’s not blow up

Blow up is what I know
how to protect
hold me?
I’m decay
Half life
Blow up

All I know
is my fault
is your desire
is my shame
is your come

Obsess control
The only control I know
Is over my own brain
(heart

If I can think it through
If I can think you through
If I can think through you
enough
again
over
some more

You won’t fury
You won’t hurt
You won’t touch
I will want
What you want
So I can want
So I can want

lie

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

She’s walking on my keyboard
Typing a silent message — pay attention to me!
Get out of your own head!

I can’t tie everything together so neatly
The truth has so many stands
But a lie
a lie
is static

I can’t even control what is inside
Never mind what is outside — you and your body!
Un(der)stated desires!

I am his object of guilt and shame
He hurts (me to hurt) him
As it is
it always
has been

You worry these days about lying
When you used to talk about [the poetics of love]:

Black / White
Male ? Female
Family Man \ Fagg-t

I don’t know how to compose that life
I only know how to compose a lie

My lies protect me by protecting you
I will tell your story of yourself — its a funny story!
Silence!

I will believe the lies he tells yourself
You don’t know what kind of wrath
He’d reign
on me
otherwise

And you can’t shatter!
And you can’t break!
Because I fucking need you!
(protect me…
(nurture me…

I will rip the power from your walls
Tear out your eyes from their sockets
Shove your head into the raw existence of me
become
whole
authentic
alive

You can live too
You can compose more than a lie
with me
please come
lie with me

soft

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

Inevitable,
but even so, how else is it possible?
So I whisper to myself, “He will choke yourself. Fuck his throat and fight back.”
A small sound escapes in my life,
a little more each day
but even so, how to assemble long, hard control over him?
As much as I started to believe this phobia of mine, I still have the desire for air.

I don’t conflate, “how could I stop, boy?” with acts of intimacy!
If there is one sign of violence, the kind of rules he would use,
I freeze and will not be eaten, even if his mouth generates complexity,
He will expect me in a mode he can grasp at the front of his mind,
If he was an animal, it’s coming

In your example,
intimacy is more than empathy, intimacy with each other
I’m surprised by you, crashing into you completely, distant in love.
I watch your mouth,
try to compel the confusion
but why am I set on combat, walking home?
If I start to believe this love of yours, will you let me in just in time?

I remember I tried to be sorry, as he ignored my pleading eyes!
He feels like he’s in love with distance
Especially those he dreams about, those who keep him completely
He’s so gentle when he knows he has complete control over my violation
I never talk to him about my own

I don’t conflate intimacy with drones anymore
because now, now, now, close to your belly,
strong hands
open mouth
soft eyes
maybe I finally know empathy

take

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

I described a fantasy of intimate victimization.

He let me grab the fight
shifting roles within a distance
We live in difference
wrecking each other completely

I tried to become a resource.

He told me he was a cynic
such a good one
We reflect on everyone’s face
taking solace in punishment

I wrap my hand around the room.

Love and watch his mouth,
flushed with shame,
We are gutting out the drones,
because I am coming

taboo

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

Loving him drink is twisted shit
But my past experiences of love could not focus on my sensitivity
It’s a pre-(existing) condition
A form of tongue-to-tongue combat in saliva so cruel
Suck my tongue onto his Adam’s apple,
because I am not facing the mix of intimacy and violence
His torso is taboo,
accompanied by how to cut him or feel up his balls
Affection is uneven
And humanity?
We both know this moment exposes the rawness of sex and my life
Even if I didn’t ever happen

let

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

Throw them
Lead them

The narrative arch of eroticized killing is inevitable,
it even happened.

I thought about meat.
I try to distinguish affection from hand combat as a means to sex.

See it
Refuse to end it

No empathy protects my body,
my organs spill out of intimate violence.

Leave my own senses…
was wrong
was intrigued

The bile spills onto me because I own death
Or because I am not to do anything at the kill
I am so still, clearly violence
And he finds it so cold being equal

Available protections:

  1. Preclude the camera is actually killing.
  2. Carry the danger.
  3. The possibility of poetry about how someone feels.
  4. Play the instruments of alienation.

Perhaps if I didn’t know how to hand,
how to submit,
how to believe there is,
then

reach

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

Step in just enough now
so I can eject my agency
whenever he is in the room
thinking,
and gasping,
for me

An animal comes out of my chest
My come fills up with violation
My violation jets out the door
The door closes on everyone’s scared faces

Hard strokes down his throat
are so taboo now
whenever they choke themselves
dreaming
and reaching
for you

Now fill up the blade again
My blade will graze the surface of your skin
Your skin will generate my compliance
The compliance is transcendent arousal

Straddle your object of equity
not just in scale or distance
whenever you speak of killing
exiting,
and longing
for me

Wrap your size and sensitivity in a towel
Your towel smells like violence
Your violence jets out of your hands
The hands lunge at my throat

I just see if in me
not only in context and strategies
whenever I feel
numbness,
and dying
for you

use

~ jacobalden ~ Leave a comment

I can let people have used me
And more importantly, do(es) I think any love is a truer self?
Their fears and fucked up roles become the vibrations of me too

He wants intimacy,
what sweet sacred line between platonic affection and being held?

I want his split self in the bushes
/ nature
/ / / edge
making me his asset

How will you receive hir love and attention,
with that desire to control and so on?

I’m wrestling with the water
I don’t want to be completely available
I want to forget?
Does it matter?

He fuels confusion,
why do I feel like a trash tin?

I want to support his deepest desires
/ confused
/ / / worried
when he gets too neat

Why do I feel so humiliated,
because relationships (a) whither (b) blow up?

And so simple
/ cling
/ / suck
was it special

He told me he projected my true self onto me
More importantly, do(es) he feel controlled by affection, aspiration, desire in his legs?
I hold their better weaknesses instead of the hidden sides they cannot face